2. DON'T GO BACK TO RELATIONSHIP SORE SPOTS. Ceaselessly picking at old wounds — 'You weren't there to pick me up at the hospital after the baby was born' — will prolong your mutual agony. If you paid attention to me after the baby was born...  Keeping guilt and anger alive keeps you connected, but only in mutual pain. Look at it this way: His flaws aren't your headache anymore.

3. DON'T USE THE KIDS AS PAWNS. A biggie. Divorce is tough enough on the kids without inflicting dysfunctional divorcing parental head trips upon them. Dr. Greer advises, "Do what's best for the children in terms of custody, visitation, and emotional health issues." Meaning, don't keep the kids from seeing their father or visa versa.  . And don't ask them incessant questions about daddy's or mommy's new girlfriend, or which parent they love best.

4. DON'T ALIENATE YOUR EX'S FAMILY. When you married the son/daughter, you became their daughter/son. And through the children, you still have ties — which will be harder to maintain if you constantly belittle and complain about your ex to the people who raised him. That's what friends are for.

5. DON'T PROLONG THE SETTLEMENT PROCESS. In a just world, you'd get what's coming to you. And so would your ex.. But life (and settlements) aren't always fair. Obviously, don't let the ex stick it to you over important financial issues. But when it comes to the heirloom lamp that was a wedding gift from his or her aunt but you always liked more, let it go if you must. "Evaluate how necessary something is to you," Dr. Greer says. If you or he keep arguing, stalling, or nickel-and-diming one another, you'll never get the prime benefit of divorce — being rid of the person who most drives you crazy.

6. DON'T EXPECT EMOTIONAL RESOLUTION. See tip #5. Life is messy, with numerous loose ends. The "injustices" you've experienced might never be righted the way you need them to be. If you wait for full closure to get on with your life, you might be waiting an awfully long time.

7. BE CIVIL AND COOPERATIVE. "Stay focused on your goals," suggests Dr. Greer. You might have to work as hard at communicating as you did during the marriage, but at least it doesn't have to be on the same exhausting level. Greer adds, "Just reach some common ground on the issues you need to address together, and try to be pleasant about it."

8. ERECT HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. You're not married anymore. You don't have to (and shouldn't) tell each other everything. Greer says, "Some exes can be friends, others are better off talking just about the kids. Be wary of sharing too-personal details. Stay out of each other's sex life." Which leads to #9:

9. DON'T BECOME EACH OTHER'S SEX LIFE. You're both lonely, scared, vulnerable. The fear and anxiety attracts you to the familiar. Remember Eve and the apple. Don't bite.

10. REVENGE IS OVERRATED. Dr. Greer puts it this way: "Being mired in revenge plots keeps you stuck in the relationship. You're angry and obsessed with the past instead of trying to build your future."

In short, if you're determined to make him miserable and to be miserable yourself, you might as well stay married."